Let’s Talk…

Postpartum…can I hide until this time is over?

This time is almost as hard and complicated as pregnancy. WHY doesn’t anyone discuss this?!

Why is pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the postpartum time such a taboo subject? Why are we as women so ill informed?!

Anyway, I’m tired of dealing with all of these things in the dark…or at least dealing with that feeling.

Weight Gain

Whoever told me that weight loss would be effortless, simply put, you lied.

My weight journey before this pregnancy was a little rocky. I have IBS and have had a hard time maintaining any number. Then the miscarriages, hormone therapy, and so on happened. Keeping the weight off became something to deal with and was HARD!

Now, here we are. Almost 5 months postpartum and I’ve lost about 25 pounds. That’s good, yes…and yet…

Those 25 pounds I lost within the first 2 weeks. Then I lost a little more. Then I had to stop breastfeeding and BOOM! Hello, weight gain!

My face got a bit fuller again, my boobs continued to grow (I’m not kidding, they are HUGE!), and I still look 5 months pregnant.

Now, here I sit, the heaviest I’ve ever been, trying my hardest to lose the weight and already feeling defeated.

Now, I know I’m not alone with this, and yet here I am telling you that I feel very alone.

Exercise

This was the area that I KNEW would be easy for me. I KNEW I’d workout and get that workout high once I was cleared at the 6 week mark.

I knew. I knew. I knew.

I knew it would be slow going, but I was so looking forward to it. The 6 week mark hit, I was cleared, and started slow. I went back to the doctor less than a week and a half later because something didn’t feel right and was sent to physical therapy.

It was there that I learned exercise would not be happening anytime soon. I was diagnosed with severe pelvic floor dysfunction, a uterine prolapse, and severe diastastis recti.

So no exercise, lifting, blah, blah, blah. That makes losing weight incredibly hard. Those goals I set for myself have been tossed aside (read: tossed in the trash) for who knows how long.

I’ll continue with physical therapy until mid spring. At that point they will re-evaluate my progress and decide if surgery would be beneficial.

Guess what, though? You can’t do any of the surgeries until you are completely done having kids.

I know this next bit is dramatic, but I don’t care.

It’s like the universe and Mr. Baby are conspiring to insure that he is our only child. “Here, have a difficult conception journey. Have a high risk and difficult pregnancy and labor and delivery. Now enjoy your baby, but know that this postpartum time isn’t going to be any easier. In fact, in some ways it’ll be much harder.”

Breastfeeding

I can’t tell you how many times I was told breastfeeding was great.

I’d love it.

It’d be so natural.

It’d get easier.

It’d be better for me and baby.

It’d be cheaper.

Guess what…yeah, that wasn’t the case for me.

It’ll be great? It was miserable. Mr. Baby was in the NICU and dropped too much weight too quickly in his first 2 weeks, so we had to triple feed. That means he’d breastfeed, I’d then offer him pumped milk, and then we’d top him off with either donated milk or formula. Then we had to work with allergies, sensitivities, and GERD. Oh, Jesus!

I’d love it? I hated it. It’s painful, like REALLY painful. It’s time consuming (he’d eat for an hour, sleep for 45 minutes, and then wake again, starved). We also learned (at his FOUR MONTH appointment) that he had a tongue tie, too, that we needed to deal with. This tie, that doctors brushed off as first time mom worry, prevented proper latching to ANYTHING. Boobs. Bottles. Binkies. All the B words!

It’s natural? Not for me. It was so painful, so hard, and so overwhelming. I had SO much anxiety around this that I never wanted to leave the house with him.

It’d get easier? Not for us. As time went on, it got harder. That is all.

It’d be better for me and the baby? Sure, maybe. Until you factor in that I was sleeping in 30 minute increments, if that. Trying to feed a baby that couldn’t and/or didn’t want to feed. Was so anxious I could barely sleep or go out. I could go on, but I’ll spare both you and me!

Lastly, and the one that makes me laugh the hardest…It’ll be cheaper? Sure if everything worked out perfectly, it would be.

In my case, though, I bought every nipple shield and balm out there, breast pump aid, nursing aid, lactation food, specialty foods for issue ridden babies of breastfeeding mamas.

Hell, I’d have bought a purple 2 headed dog that could fly, if someone told me it’d work.


All that said, I will gladly do this again and again to get the baby we have and the siblings we want to give him.

This is hard. The whole thing. That’s ok and it’s ok (or even better in my opinion) to talk about it to those you are comfortable talking to.

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